4 Tips for Birth Mothers to Bond with Your Child’s Adoptive Parents
Maybe you’re feeling a little scared about adoption because you aren’t sure what happens after. That’s perfectly natural! At Adoption Choices of Nevada, we hope to set you at ease about the future to the best of our ability.
Bonding with your child’s adoptive parents can seem like an impossible task to tackle. There isn’t a class on how to bond with the parents, after all. Don’t worry, we put together a list of ways for you to create a lasting bond with the parents.
If you are at all worried about how to create a lasting bond, then take a look at the list for ideas. Remember, this is not a one-sided relationship. Your child’s adoptive parents have to put in the work too. Make your needs known to them, that you want to create a bond with them, and go from there.
Like any relationship, communication is going to be key. Being able to effectively communicate with the adoptive parents is going to make your life easier. Treat the time before your baby is due as a way to build a friendship with them. You picked them for a reason after all, and learning how to communicate with them starts early on.
During your pregnancy, tell them about anything going on. Maybe let them know that your little one started to kick or seems to be more active. Give them the sense that you do want them in your life. If you manage to capture your baby kicking on film, or get a copy of your baby’s first heartbeat at an ultrasound appointment, share it with the couple or individual.
Yes, the relationship, at first, may be a little awkward to navigate. But remember, it won’t last forever. As with most things in life, communication has seasons. Some seasons are going to be amazing with communication and others are going to be slower. Don’t worry too much, as life throws change at everyone. When things calm down, just remember to send that email, text message, letter or photo their way.
2. Fight the Insecurity
What do I say? What is too much? What is not enough? Do they even want to bond? All those questions can lead to you feeling stuck and scared. It is natural to feel that insecurity, though. You’ve probably felt that starting any new relationship, and this one isn’t any different from that.
Ask yourself what is something that you would want to know going into this relationship? Would you want to know what holidays they think are special? Do they have traditions that happen that you can get to know? What kind of things do they do for birthdays?
Your child’s adoptive parents are probably feeling the same way -- wondering all these things about you and feeling insecure. What it comes down to is the first tip: Communication.
Here are some questions you can ask to get things started:
What are some of the activities you can see the child getting up to and how do you think you will navigate that?
What are your hopes, dreams, or aspirations as a parent?
What are your core beliefs and how do you carry them daily?
What is one thing you hope the child gets to do?
What is something you are looking forward to getting to do with the family?
Fighting the insecurity will open up the option of finding that bonding experience. This is where the next tip comes in!
3. Be Yourself
Okay, okay, we know how cheesy this sounds. Everyone always says “just be yourself.” But hear us out. What does “being yourself” even mean? It means be the you that everyone gets to see. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to be this perfect person. Because, guess what? You aren’t perfect and your child’s adoptive parents aren’t either.
In fact, no one is perfect, so pretending to just makes it harder to bond. The same goes for your child’s adoptive parents. Both of you are human, after all. Having your baby adopted isn’t them coming and swooping up him or her and leaving you behind. That isn’t what adoption is about. Rather, adoption is bringing together a family, and you are a part of that equation.
It may not all be rainbows and butterflies, but your bonding experience is worth all the ups and downs that life tosses at you.
4. Give Yourself Space
Perhaps the biggest tip that we can offer is to remember that space is needed in the beginning. You need that time to figure out your life after pregnancy. Time to grieve and process everything that happened. At the same time, your child’s adoptive parents need time to bond with your baby and navigate life with a newborn.
Letting that space happen, rather than forcing communication, is a good thing. Your child’s adoptive parents won’t forget you or leave you behind. When the time is right, contact them or they will contact you. But give yourself that space to figure out your own feelings and get your life in order before you bring one or more people into it again.
It is perfectly okay to not be okay at first.
Bonding with Your Child’s Adoptive Parents
Bonding with your child’s adoptive parents is not something that happens overnight. It is going to take time, just like all good things. Don’t worry too much about it, though. Forcing a bond will not work out and, in the long run, hurt it. So, instead, just take your time, learn with them, and grow as they grow.
Adoption and Surrogacy Choices of Reno has been providing adoption and surrogacy services across Nevada since 2012. You can call us to speak to someone now!